Lonely in dc

Selfie from my most recent trip to Utah. Hiking in Moab with my family, including my sister in law Sarah (pictured left). 💜

Dear Team Joy,

One of the things I love most about working for myself is being able to decide how I spend my time.

I have daily habits that felt like true unreachable luxuries during my consulting years:

• I make healthy meals everyday from groceries I curate.

• I sleep at least 8 hours most nights.

• I go outside for a walk almost every day.

• I reliably make it to my workout classes.

Taking care of myself in this way is deeply intentional. After my Crohn’s diagnosis, I felt fragile. I promised myself I would never work a job that threatened my ability to properly care for my health. My fear of not having the flexibility to prioritize my health was a strong driver in my decision to work for myself. I knew if I was in charge of my schedule I would ensure that these habits happened which would give me the best chance at remission and a mostly “normal” life.

But I am coming to realize that while these practices are an amazing foundation for the care of my body, it’s not feeding me in all the ways I need. Something still feels off.

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I recently returned from a trip to Utah, and I noticed this offness when I got back home. It wasn’t immediate. In the beginning there was a lot to do to re-acclimate to my daily life. Unpack, do the laundry, water the plants, return to my workout classes, go to the grocery store, cook dinner, get caught up on email, do some work calls etc. But then there comes the point when the doing is done.

What happens when the doing is done? 🤯

When there is nothing left that I have to do, I am often left with this strange, unwelcome feeling of emptiness; especially at night. My stomach feels unsettled, my chest feels tight. It’s like there’s an itch I don’t know how to scratch. There’s a sense that there should be more without knowing how to grasp it. Is it more doing? More being? Maybe just more. The emptiness feels like it will consume me, so instead of seeping into the abyss I rush toward distraction to stay afloat.

It starts with youtube. It’s less threatening than Netflix because the videos are short. I haven’t necessarily fully committed to distraction. Some dance videos, movie trailers, and a random 30 min biopic on Caitlin Clark and then I am up for air.

But when I resurface the emptiness comes with it. Yikes, not what I want. I unconsciously migrate to instagram. After reviewing friends photos I will eventually land on the discover page and into a rabbit hole on the latest he said/she said between the love is blind couples. Eventually I get bored again.

By this point I am either committing to distraction and headed toward Netflix or I am truly pulling up for air and forcing myself to either read, take a bath, or do something else that can shift my energy. I no longer feel empty, but I don’t really feel much of anything.

I have been reflecting on how this pattern plays out in my life and I realized what is missing: connection.

Working for myself in a remote job gives me amazing flexibility to take care of my health. But without meaningful intention to schedule connection into my life, it’s not naturally there. I am single, working for myself, from my house. Without a lot of outreach and effort, I spend a lot of my time physically alone.

As I have been reflecting on this, I remembered a longitudinal study from Harvard that I learned about during my year at Schwarzman. The Harvard study tracked 268 Harvard graduates’ health, careers and relationships over decades: all in service of determining the indicators for a long, happy, and fulfilling life. Imagine 100 hungry young leaders listening to this lecture on the edge of their seats waiting to be handed the keys to living a successful life (which I am sure we all assumed was some version of work hard). Here’s what they found:

“When we gathered together everything we knew about them about at age 50, it wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old,” said Waldinger in a popular TED Talk. “It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.” Loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.

You can read more about the study here.

I have organized my life around protecting my health and valuing my freedom. I have made sure I can sleep, workout, and cook most of my meals. But I am realizing in prioritizing freedom I may have overcorrected and not been as intentional about organizing my life around connection.

This is a duality that has always been hard for me to hold. To be in relationship with others and be free? If I work for myself and work alone then I can be SURE I can do what I need to do for myself. But there is a cost. When I feel into what I really want for myself its’ more than physical health: it’s connection with myself, nature, my work, my loved ones, and community.

Our lives changed in all kinds of ways during COVID, and one of those for me has been leaving my house less and relying on technology more. It’s incredible to be able to work from home, the flexibility for someone with a chronic illness is unmatched. Yet technology can give the traces of connection without delivering the real thing.

This is one of the weeks where I don’t yet have the answers for myself. There’s a lot of shame that comes with the feeling of loneliness for me. The preemptive side of my ego in writing this wants to scream, “DON’T WORRY I HAVE FRIENDS. I AM LOVEABLE.” 💚

But I remind myself more often than not, things I am feeling and willing to put words to, others are feeling too. I am likely not alone in feeling lonely.

When ever I sense a problem, my immediate response is almost always ACTION. What can I do to fix this? But I know from my coach training that the first step is usually not action. Its acknowledgement of the feeling, and having the courage to sit in what I am yearning for. That yearning will then point me toward what's meant for me. :)

Nevertheless I do have a few ideas:

• More working in person. That could be joining a co-working space in D.C. that prioritizes community amongst its members. Taking on more clients in person. Reaching out to other friends who are working in D.C. to spend days co-locating.

• Spiritual communities. I reached out to a few of my non-Jewish friends to go to shabbat services with me tonight and to my surprise they said yes. Some part of seeking connection is not reinventing the wheel and finding communities that already exist and feel nourishing.

• Dating. Ugh the worst. No comment here but its on the list. 🙃

• Nature. My friend Kay has started a company called Outerly to bring a community of people together in D.C. who love the outdoors, so getting more involved there will likely be a first step.

I don’t know how this will all take shape. But I know there is power in acknowledging my craving for connection and being open to receiving more of it in my life. My life so far has been organized around my ambition and my health. As vulnerable as this makes me feel, I know I am willing to try to reorganize my life around authentic connection.

If you are going through something similar I would LOVE to hear from you. If you have tried things that have worked to make your community feel more like home I would love to learn.

Sending lots of love to Team Joy today! 💚

Isabel

P.S. I would LOVE your feedback on Team Joy and some of the ideas I am considering for us to lean more into the “Team” part of Team Joy. Please consider filling out this short survey. In exchange for your feedback, you can schedule a 30 min strategy session with me. 💚