Dreams are about stamina

The photo I took an hour after sending in my corporate laptop 18 months ago. I had no idea the winding journey that was in store for me to pursue my dreams. 💚🙃

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Dear Team Joy,

I have always loved to write. If I can crystallize a metaphor that captures the root of what I’m feeling, I experience a small moment of triumph. I love the creative process of twisting my words to carve my own experiences into a digestible narrative that is clear, complete and hopefully resonant. It challenges and delights me.

When my therapist asked me in 2019 who I wanted to be professionally, my answer was Glennon Doyle. A woman who has spent her writing career mining her own inner experiences and then courageously putting words to them. She is constantly afraid, but still summons the bravery to pursue her own truth anyways. Her writing makes people all over the world feel more seen, connected, and free. I can’t think of a more worthy pursuit.

But what happens when our dreams don’t feel like we expected? 😬

When I finally summoned the strength to press publish on my first piece for Team Joy this March, I thought that was victory. I barely slept the night before-- my body anticipating the impending vulnerability like a physical threat. I managed to keep the physical anxiety at bay to do it anyways. Then I compulsively checked my Instagram, Facebook, and substack for reactions. Would anyone read it? Would anyone care? Was I crazy? It wasn’t a global sensation that went viral, but in my own corner of the world it mattered. By inviting people from all parts of my life (work, family, old friends, friends of friends) into this space, it has become a core part of my pursuit for wholeness. A reminder to try to show up in the same way with the same values no matter who the audience is. In return it has brought old and new wonderful people into my life. It has also pushed me to be a more insightful and consistent writer.

Publishing publicly is a long-standing dream come to life, and making it happen was certainly a moment worthy of celebration. But it was not the finish line. I now see it was just the beginning.

I am learning every day that pursuing my dreams is more about stamina and pivoting than firsts.

That’s the thing I didn’t know until this year. I thought pursuing my dreams was the process of consistently overcoming the fear of failure-- the first piece published, first coaching session, first offsite, first corporate training, first speaking engagement. I am proud of the bravery I summoned this year to step forward into these firsts.

Yet I am realizing overcoming the fear of failure is actually when the work really starts—the work of slowly continuing to refine my craft and path. The work of taking ideas from inside my head, bringing them into the world, and then making them better, both for me and for the people I am intending to serve. Trying to find real alignment for the things I create. It’s a messy, confusing, sometimes joyful and sometimes disheartening process. Sadly, not all sunshine and rainbows.

Cue meltdown.

Which brings me to Team Joy- despite my best intentions and great ambitions the current manifestation of publishing every week is not working for me. I can’t produce a piece that is meaningful, insightful, and clear every week. I can’t. I always knew committing to a weekly schedule would be a challenge. But I pushed my aspirations higher anyways—imagining the accountability of an audience I cared about with expectations would push my commitment and skill to the next level. I told myself if I wanted to build something “serious” that people would actually care about, I needed to publish weekly.

But to be honest the weekly deadline has infused unwanted pressure and anxiety into my work-week and writing process. The unpredictability of both inspiration and my illness means I often find myself squeezing something out of thin air on Friday afternoon as Sunday looms. I do see the irony, that producing Team Joy has become burdensome (aka not joyful). 🙃 Even though I have known that this publishing schedule wasn’t working for me for months now, my high standards and the prospect of letting y’all down has stopped me from admitting “defeat” long ago.

I have worked hard to earn your trust, by consistently showing up week after week. I have heard from many of you that you look forward to reading it every Sunday/Monday morning. That means the world to me. I do not take your attention fore granted. You have also held me over the last year. Sharing your love during moments of grief with my illness, helping me celebrate joyful moments like Daniel’s wedding, and sending me notes of encouragement as I try to carve a professional path that feels authentic.

We have a mantra in my coaching program that says you must “Live it to give it.” You can’t coach others on seeking and living in integrity if you are not pursuing the same path. So, despite my fears of letting you and myself down, I am ready to give myself space to find a more authentic way forward.

So, I will be taking a break from publishing for the next few weeks. During that time I will try to listen to my intuition on the best way to evolve Team Joy. Aka, pivot.

Whenever I give myself permission to let go of the way things “have to be” I find space for something more true to come through. I hope you will continue with me (even if I don’t know where we are going yet). It remains important to me to steward this well.

Through these writings and through your back and forth with me, I have found more of myself this last year. My favorite posts have been:

1.     Claiming Judaism and claiming myself

2.     The Joy of Queerness

3.     The Joy of Sibling Love

If you have a favorite, or if Team Joy has moved you in some way this year, I would love to hear from you. If you have thoughts on how Team Joy might evolve I am open to those too. Either way you will hear from me soon.

Until then big, big hugs. 💚

Love,

Isabel