03: Joy is precious and needs to be honored, not justified

This week joy for me is coming from reflecting on how hard I have worked, and how much progress I have made in building a life that aligns with my dreams. This journal entry is from a trip to Bali in 2019, when I was still a management consultant. I was feeling physically exhausted, emotionally worn out, and spiritually empty. I was not writing publicly, dancing regularly, or working with small businesses. But through a lot of tears I let myself have the courage to put on paper a life that I thought would bring me immense joy five years in the future. Today a lot of these are coming true. Also…I used photoshop for the first time ever to edit the above picture. #Teamjoy

Dear Team Joy,

I want to write…and I want people to read what I have to say. Sharing that desire, admitting that I want something from you (your attention) makes me feel vulnerable and selfish. But if I am really honest with myself, and with you, it’s true.

The idea I am sitting with this week: it can be hard to explain why we want what we want or even admit what we think will bring us joy. But I am learning joy is precious; it is not meant to be interrogated or explained. It is meant to be honored and protected.

---

I have felt a desire to create a newsletter like Team Joy for the last 5 years. I recently found mockups for what I imagined this space could be from my senior year of college. But I had a hard time explaining my desire to write about my life publicly, and I was scared. I published on a site twice, got a few pieces of critical feedback, and I was out. Nope, too scary. Despite not publishing publicly since 2016, the desire kept nagging at me. I wrote an email to a select group of friends and family called Team Isabel. Every couple of months when I sent it I got a thrill that this is what I wanted to build publicly, but I wasn’t ready yet.

A couple years ago, while on a long walk with my boyfriend at the time, I tentatively shared my dream of writing about my life for the public. After listening, he looked at me quizzically and said something along the lines of “That’s great that you want to do that, but who cares what you have to say about life? Why would people read that?”

I shrunk back a bit, and began ruminating… why would anyone care? What do I have to say that is unique? What is my motivation for saying anything about my life outside of narcissism? I am certainly not an expert in life. I can’t even imagine who that would be. Maybe Buddha? 🙃

In the middle of 2019, I met one of my best friends Melanie in Bali for a vacation. Side bar: yes, I would like my life to be like Eat, Pray, Love, and yes that trip did change my life. 😊

At the time I was still working as a management consultant. I was on the road every week, I was utterly exhausted, and sometimes I cried on the way to the client site. Over the course of a long meandering dinner that sometimes only vacations allow, I bawled to Melanie about how deeply misaligned I felt. I knew deep down I was far from what my true self wanted, and also I knew the only way back to alignment was through a dark, internal tunnel. I wasn’t sure that if I looked within myself, if I sat with my pain, or made the decisions my heart was asking me to make, I would actually make it to the other side.

For almost 3 hours Melanie witnessed me; my fears, my dreams, my shame. Because Melanie is on her own journey to love and not shame the messy parts of herself, she could hold the messy parts of me. She helped me realize the orientation of my ex’s questions were all wrong. Instead of asking why would anyone care, she said “I believe you. Your dreams are worth it, even if you don’t know how to do them yet. Get yourself to your journal (we love a friend that gives orders to take care of ourselves) and write down WHAT YOU WANT. Even if you don’t know why it brings you joy, or why you want it, honor it, and give yourself permission to at least be honest with yourself.”

The next morning I got myself to the quiet roof of our hostel, and I sat down with my journal, my pain, and my dreams. I was 25 at the time. I gave myself space to dream by closing my eyes, and imagining I was 30. That was 5 years away; far enough that even if I was tired and terrified today, it was probably enough time to begin genuinely facing my own shit, and building a life that felt more true. My journal entry from that roof was at the top of this post.

Now at 28 I am immensely proud to share:

• I write a weekly blog. Here we all are. 😊

• I got my dance instructor job back yesterday that I had pre-covid, and will be teaching weekly classes on Wednesdays at Diva Dance Washington D.C. beginning in the middle of May. Shout out to Rashaida for giving me my job back.

• I am becoming certified to be a life coach through the Martha Beck Wayfinder Program to help others create more of what feels true for them in their lives; cultivating more love, joy, freedom, and power. Shout out to Cris Kulig for being my first client and believing in me before I fully did.

• I already have my first organizational client where I am advising a small business on how to build an authentic culture where each person can thrive. Shout out to Daymaker and Brent Macon for co-building what this partnership as a coach and consultant could look like. Daymaker’s motto is literally share the joy of creating possibilities for children…come on. 😊 We are building a culture with integrity, excellence, play, and a whole lot of heart. We are also hiring for a Head of Non-profit Partnerships and a Manager of Content & Storytelling. If the mission and vision for this kind of team resonates with you, or you know someone who could be a good fit, let me know.

All this to say, I am genuinely creating my dreams, day by day, with a LOT OF SUPPORT and partnership. Not through a five year plan, but through listening and honoring what makes me feel alive, connected and joyful today, and being open to help and connection wherever it comes from.

Speaking of new connections, last week, it took me a couple of days to sit with whether or not I was ready to talk about my illness publicly. I am really glad I did. Three people from different parts of my life (middle school, high school, and work) messaged me to say they also have Crohn’s and could be a resource for me if I needed support in navigating this illness. Multiple friends I hadn’t intimately shared my last year with reached out. In the past week another 22 people joined Team Joy, bringing this community to 95 strong. These examples all reaffirm for me that following my truth, however “selfish” that can feel, actually connects me AND brings more joy, truth, and freedom to others.

If your life today looks different than what you hoped, and you have similar doubts about why anyone would care about your dreams, I am going to share Melanie’s generous love with you and say “I believe you. Your dreams are worth it, even if you don’t know how to do them yet. Also…get to your journal.”

---

My decision and commitment to writing, showing up, and leading Team Joy is 100% selfish. I am not doing this for you. I am doing this purely for me; for my joy because it lights my soul up.

While I intend to lead Team Joy, there is an invitation for you here. I want to encourage you to show up in this community in the way that is most resonant; and to the extent it is energizing to you, to help me shape it. Comments, feedback, ideas, questions, I am here for all of it. I love sharing this space with you, and I am immensely grateful you are here.

Questions for this week (feel free to comment below, send me notes, journal, or sit with these questions over a cup of coffee):

1. What is one dream or idea that lights you up, even if you can’t explain why?

2. If you had to begin to put it into words, what would you say?

3. How could the world be more beautiful if you created more space for it in your life? Who might this bring into your life?

Big hugs this week!